How to support your shy partner(s)

Nothing is sexier than confidence, safety, and trust. And it’s totally normal to feel insecure or shy in the bedroom.

Consent, including the ability to withdraw it, is a major issue in biomedical research, health care as well as in life in general. In this blog, I wanted to touch on autonomous consent - the basic paradigm of autonomy in healthcare. I geek out on this because my second Master’s degree was in Bioethics and I focused my thesis on the complexities of consent. 

Informed consent is the process by which the treating healthcare professional discloses appropriate information to a competent patient so that the patient may make a voluntary choice to accept or refuse treatment. (Appelbaum, 2007). 

This all originates from the legal and ethical right that the patient has to direct what happens to their body, (my body, my rights) and from the ethical duty of the healthcare professional to involve the patient in their health care. Medical informed consent is well-written in research, but I am always curious about consent in the bedroom. 

For example, in most cases, it’s clear whether or not your partner(s) has/have the capacity to make their own decisions in the bedroom. Occasionally, it’s not so clear. Are they under stress? Shy? Under pressure? Anxious? Under the influence of a substance/medication? 

My tips are that you need to assess your partner(s)’ ability to:

  1. Understand their situation,

  2. Understand that their decision can change with time and context, 

  3. Understand the risks associated with the decision at hand, and

  4. Communicate a decision based on that understanding.

So basically, ask questions and listen with intent! Don't listen to reply! Help your partner explain and express their feelings first, then say your blurb. Here are a few tips to do this:

  1. First, ask questions to understand and then the root of their shyness

  2. Mirroring - repeat back exactly what your partner said and end it with “Let me know if I am getting the information right.”

  3. Paraphrasing - repeat back what you heard but this method usually is a screw up!

  4. Always enter the conversation with curiosity. 

Enjoy safe, healthy, happy and consensual intimacy and sex!

Michiko Caringal