Why can't I achieve an orgasm?
GAWD, for me, it was so friggin hard to achieve an orgasm for half of my active sex life. Mostly because sex was so painful for me, but also because I was not in tune with my body. I explored WHAT arouses me, WHY I was so uncomfortable getting into the orgasm stage, and HOW I needed to be approached by my partner to feel safe. I also worked closely with a pelvic health physiotherapist to release muscle tension in my pelvic floor muscles and surrounding hip/back muscles.
It’s a common thing to not be able to achieve an orgasm… so let me break it down for you.
Ok, let’s start with some anatomy lessons. For a person with a vagina, the clitoris is the game changer - you know it and I know it too. The clitoris is the primary sexual pleasure organ which is under the skin and muscles of the vulva area.
Most people think that the visible portion of the clitoris (glans) is the only sensitive area. WRONG. Because the clitoris is large, it’s important to stimulate the entire organ by massaging and rubbing the vulvar area, or maybe even pushing on the muscles as well - whatever rocks your boat!
For people with penises, the glans of the penis itself and the location where the glans (head) of the penis meets the corpus spongiosum are probably your best bets! It’s a large surface area to have fun with and stimulate to the max. Similarly to the clitoris, the entire area can be explored and stimulated to become aroused and then get closer to an orgasm.
There may be several reasons why you are unable to achieve an orgasm but let’s categorize them into 2 themes: insensitivity or oversensitivity. And let's talk about how you can get an orgasm.
Insensitivity at sex organ - this could be something as simple as a clitoral phimosis, which is when the clitoral hood is stuck onto the clitoris and it can’t be revealed to be stimulated! I can fix that with a connective tissue release :) Or maybe it’s a recent scar where the nerves were cut (on the penis or vulva area) and so it takes time for the nerves to regenerate. We can work on scar management and increase the sensitivity of that area too! Or maybe you need some creativity and use sex toys/products and change up the environment to ramp up that arousal state!
2. Oversensitivity at sex organ - Pain with sexual penetration is often the number one cause of inability to orgasm. The main rule here is that you don’t push through the pain or bear through it because you body will guard and the brain will think of sexual intimacy as a threat. This can lead to persistent sensitization of the brain (repeated events like these will cause the brain to become super sensitive and the painful experience will only repeat itself over and over again) and we definitely don’t want to go there. Seek a pelvic floor physiotherapist if you experience pain with penetration. Other reasons for oversensitivity are scars that are not healing well, or muscles that are too tight (internally and externally) or even just uncoordinated pelvic floor muscle contractions. These can all be treated!